So Much Left Unsaid

I remember when I was about 12 years old, my mother was clean from drugs, she struggled with her drug addiction so she would be in & out of being clean. Anyways, she took my sister & I to K-Mart to Shop for some clothes. When walking back I walked ahead because that was just how I was. A few days later my mother tells me “I made her feel as if I was embarrassed to walk with her”. Of course I explained to her that it wasn’t that & I just happened to walk fast & be in my own world. Til this day that memory haunts & I try my best to watch my actions because they can hurt people in ways we wouldn’t think of. 

I wish that throughout my life despite what we may have been through & despite the struggle I grew up with emotionally I would’ve paid attention to the things that mattered like the little time I did have with my mother. The pushing away I did because I couldn’t deal with her drug habits. All along I was being so selfish because what about how she felt when she wanted so bad to be clean from drugs all the time & yet it was a struggle she couldn’t shake. How selfish was I that I couldn’t stand by & watch anymore. Who cared if there were days her drugs meant more, who cared that some days we would listen to her pray for more life from God. Who cared that we watched the drugs slowly kill her. I should’ve cared enough to stay a little longer. I should’ve cared enough to stay by her side. I should’ve been there when she left this earth. I should’ve stayed a little longer. 

Now all I have are these memories of the good times & of the bad times but they’re memories only. So I have learned to be wise of my actions towards others because you never know how you are making them feel. 

Losing my daughter almost a year later taught me to cherish every conversation, every hug, to cherish everybody I know in whichever way we know each other. Losing those close to you teach you that there is no room in our hearts to hate & that there is no reason big enough to truly hate anyone. At the end of every second, there is a chance you may lose someone & it changes your life forever. Trust me when I say the hurt is unbearable a lot of times but the worst is to lose someone with so much left unsaid.

Don't Preach To Me No More

Tell me what you know that will heal me.

Preach your God on me like he makes it all better

Tell me I have to believe it’s all for a reason

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me she’s in a better place why don’t you?

Preach your God to me

Tell me only he knows why it happened

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me I didn’t deserve it & you don’t understand why it happened but you know God knows, so go ahead…

Preach your God to me why don’t you?

Tell me prayer will heal me

Preach your God

Tell me prayer will give me understanding

Preach your God to me

Tell me it’ll rid my anger

Preach your God to me

Your God who has allowed me to suffer when I’ve tried to be the best person I can be

Preach your God to me

Your God who has taken my innocent & loved child from me

Preach your God why don’t you some more.

Your God who allows all the disgusting things in this world to happen & yet I, I who tries so hard to get ahead is always knocked down.

Preach him to me, why don’t you?

Your God who is supposed to make it all better

Preach him to me

Your God who has a reason for everything

Preach why don’t you?

Your God who shall never forsake me

Preach him to the woman who is angry

Your God who has this power

Preach him to the woman who buried her child

Your God who brings healing & understanding

Preach God to the one who needs it

Your God who I am SO angry with

Preach him to me why don’t you

This seems to be everyone’s advice to me

This God that allows hunger & war in this world

Preach him to me why don’t you.

Your God in who I find so hard to hold on to anymore

Your God you preach that I am still waiting for

Preach him no more please

That’s all I am asking

This God so mighty

Preach him no more to me

When I am healed

When I come to terms

I will look for this God

I will come back to him one day

But right now

Right now I am asking

Don’t preach your God to me

Judge Without Understanding

I don’t expect understanding

In fact I expect the judgment

I expect the whispers

Because I know there is no understanding

When you have emptied your home of every piece of clothing that belonged to your daughter you buried, then maybe I could see you understanding.

When you wake up still 4 months later looking for your daughter, then maybe I’ll say you know.

When your world is no longer the same because you’ve lost a huge part of you then you will see.

When you have carried a child for 9 months, given birth & given your everything to protect that child & have to lose them, then maybe you will know.

When every event your child is missing from hurts you,

When every second you’re breathing your heart is aching then you can understand.

When you start to see your daughter in every baby you see, then you will get it.

When you’ve tried to block out everything to avoid a break down,

When you need your mother to talk to & you realize she isn’t there either,

Then you will understand.

You will know what my pain really feels like.

You will know why nothing you say or do affects me in every way.

You will know your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me.

You will know I expect you to judge me, because you know no better.

Because you have no clue how my heart aches.

You have no idea the loss I feel as a mother, daughter, & a friend.

When you close your eyes & see the day you gave birth so beautiful & then close your eyes & see the day you buried your child so painful, then you will see why you are so small in my life & why nothing you say bothers me.

Because truth is, my world is bigger than you are.

My problems are more important than you & my life is about so much more than what someone has to say about me.

You don’t understand me, you sit & judge me because to you, you’re so much better than someone like me but me, this woman you judge…

You have no clue who I am & what I am faced with…

& I am stronger than you will ever be.

So sit there & judge, with out understanding.