So Much Left Unsaid

I remember when I was about 12 years old, my mother was clean from drugs, she struggled with her drug addiction so she would be in & out of being clean. Anyways, she took my sister & I to K-Mart to Shop for some clothes. When walking back I walked ahead because that was just how I was. A few days later my mother tells me “I made her feel as if I was embarrassed to walk with her”. Of course I explained to her that it wasn’t that & I just happened to walk fast & be in my own world. Til this day that memory haunts & I try my best to watch my actions because they can hurt people in ways we wouldn’t think of. 

I wish that throughout my life despite what we may have been through & despite the struggle I grew up with emotionally I would’ve paid attention to the things that mattered like the little time I did have with my mother. The pushing away I did because I couldn’t deal with her drug habits. All along I was being so selfish because what about how she felt when she wanted so bad to be clean from drugs all the time & yet it was a struggle she couldn’t shake. How selfish was I that I couldn’t stand by & watch anymore. Who cared if there were days her drugs meant more, who cared that some days we would listen to her pray for more life from God. Who cared that we watched the drugs slowly kill her. I should’ve cared enough to stay a little longer. I should’ve cared enough to stay by her side. I should’ve been there when she left this earth. I should’ve stayed a little longer. 

Now all I have are these memories of the good times & of the bad times but they’re memories only. So I have learned to be wise of my actions towards others because you never know how you are making them feel. 

Losing my daughter almost a year later taught me to cherish every conversation, every hug, to cherish everybody I know in whichever way we know each other. Losing those close to you teach you that there is no room in our hearts to hate & that there is no reason big enough to truly hate anyone. At the end of every second, there is a chance you may lose someone & it changes your life forever. Trust me when I say the hurt is unbearable a lot of times but the worst is to lose someone with so much left unsaid.

Don't Preach To Me No More

Tell me what you know that will heal me.

Preach your God on me like he makes it all better

Tell me I have to believe it’s all for a reason

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me she’s in a better place why don’t you?

Preach your God to me

Tell me only he knows why it happened

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me I didn’t deserve it & you don’t understand why it happened but you know God knows, so go ahead…

Preach your God to me why don’t you?

Tell me prayer will heal me

Preach your God

Tell me prayer will give me understanding

Preach your God to me

Tell me it’ll rid my anger

Preach your God to me

Your God who has allowed me to suffer when I’ve tried to be the best person I can be

Preach your God to me

Your God who has taken my innocent & loved child from me

Preach your God why don’t you some more.

Your God who allows all the disgusting things in this world to happen & yet I, I who tries so hard to get ahead is always knocked down.

Preach him to me, why don’t you?

Your God who is supposed to make it all better

Preach him to me

Your God who has a reason for everything

Preach why don’t you?

Your God who shall never forsake me

Preach him to the woman who is angry

Your God who has this power

Preach him to the woman who buried her child

Your God who brings healing & understanding

Preach God to the one who needs it

Your God who I am SO angry with

Preach him to me why don’t you

This seems to be everyone’s advice to me

This God that allows hunger & war in this world

Preach him to me why don’t you.

Your God in who I find so hard to hold on to anymore

Your God you preach that I am still waiting for

Preach him no more please

That’s all I am asking

This God so mighty

Preach him no more to me

When I am healed

When I come to terms

I will look for this God

I will come back to him one day

But right now

Right now I am asking

Don’t preach your God to me

Judge Without Understanding

I don’t expect understanding

In fact I expect the judgment

I expect the whispers

Because I know there is no understanding

When you have emptied your home of every piece of clothing that belonged to your daughter you buried, then maybe I could see you understanding.

When you wake up still 4 months later looking for your daughter, then maybe I’ll say you know.

When your world is no longer the same because you’ve lost a huge part of you then you will see.

When you have carried a child for 9 months, given birth & given your everything to protect that child & have to lose them, then maybe you will know.

When every event your child is missing from hurts you,

When every second you’re breathing your heart is aching then you can understand.

When you start to see your daughter in every baby you see, then you will get it.

When you’ve tried to block out everything to avoid a break down,

When you need your mother to talk to & you realize she isn’t there either,

Then you will understand.

You will know what my pain really feels like.

You will know why nothing you say or do affects me in every way.

You will know your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me.

You will know I expect you to judge me, because you know no better.

Because you have no clue how my heart aches.

You have no idea the loss I feel as a mother, daughter, & a friend.

When you close your eyes & see the day you gave birth so beautiful & then close your eyes & see the day you buried your child so painful, then you will see why you are so small in my life & why nothing you say bothers me.

Because truth is, my world is bigger than you are.

My problems are more important than you & my life is about so much more than what someone has to say about me.

You don’t understand me, you sit & judge me because to you, you’re so much better than someone like me but me, this woman you judge…

You have no clue who I am & what I am faced with…

& I am stronger than you will ever be.

So sit there & judge, with out understanding.

My Moments

Her shirt I take out of a zip lock bag.

The neck of it, oh how good it smells.

A little bit of her scent

A little bit of her throw up

A little bit of what I miss

I hold it to my chest

Close my eyes & picture her there with me

For that moment I can feel her

For that moment I have her back

For that moment I am happy

She is there with me, I smell her

You couldn't tell me any different

Because for that moment She's in my arms

My eyes open & that moment is gone

The tears race down my face

The silent screams I hear in my head

My moment is now gone

The anger sets in

I must hurry & put her shirt away

I don't want to lose the scent

I don't want to lose those moments

They're all I have, those moments

Moments when I sit with her things

& hold her in my arms

Those moments are not real 

But they're all I have

Of course I wish I had more

I wish I had her

I wish this weren't real

But all I have are my moment

All I have is my pain, hurt, & memories

& my moments...

What will happen when i lose these moments?

I don't know so I hold on tight to my moments...

This Anger Comforts Me...

The screams I hear within my head, they haunt me…

They’re my screams that day at work.

They’re my screams that day in the hospital.

They’re my screams the next day coming home without her here.

These screams, they make me so angry.

These screams, they haunt my soul.

The tears, they drown my face…

The tears, they speak the words I can’t get out my mouth.

The tears, they are always waiting, waiting to be released.

The tears, they make me so angry inside.

The heartache, it’s like no other I promise you.

The heartache burdens my chest, weighing it heavy.

The heartache, it feels as if I am dying inside.

The heartache, it’s as if someone is squeezing my heart nonstop.

The heartache, it makes it hard to breathe, hurts from the pit of my soul.

The heartache, I will never get over, & it makes me so angry.

The things people say to comfort me; most I do not want to hear.

She’s in a better place they say, my anger wants to scream, no the hell she isn’t.

She’s always with you they say, & my anger wants to scream, I don’t see her, smell her, feel her , can’t change her diaper, can’t feed her a bottle, can’t take her a bath, so please tell me where & how she is with me.

God needed an angel so he took her they say… The anger, oh this anger, it screams whyyyyyyyyy?

It screams why didn’t he just make a damn angel, why my baby girl.

This anger, it screams all the time, it screams, give her back to me, it screams it’s not fair…

This anger, it screams for what was I always such a good person if I’m being punished anyways…

This anger screams, it screams you’ve taken enough from me…

This anger burdens my heart & soul.

It clouds my judgment.

This anger is taking over me…

This God we all speak of…

This so high & mighty, I’ve prayed to over & over, for my children’s safety, for my children’s health, for the safe being of my family, this is the god that took my daughter.

Tell me why should I pray again; tell me why should I understand.

Tell me why she’s not here with me. He is God, why not tell me, and tell me now…

Yes it is understanding I seek, reason I look for & they say don’t, because we may never know & I say why not?  

What do I believe in anymore, I can’t even answer that. Yet most days I still find myself praying.

Most days I still find myself talking to this God.

This anger I cannot let go of & in a sad way it comforts me because if I am busy being angry then for those moments I am not sad, only angry…

Sad I know, it’s all too sad, this journey I am on…

So lost & hurt, not knowing anything anymore…

I simply ask why…

With no answers given, I just remain, holding on to this anger…

This anger that brings me comfort on my worst days…

A Letter 2 My Baby Girl Gisselle

 Dearest Gisselle,

           I miss you so very much, my whole world seems upside down lately. I've done things i shouldn't have done for whatever reason.. Some days i feel as if i am going insane. I miss you so much, daddy misses you so much. Your big sister Sarai is keeping us busy, i think she misses you too. Your big brother Isaiah is doing great, I'm sure he misses you. Most days we have unbearable moments, i guess having to get back to reality so soon took a toll on us, esp me i can admit. I don't know if i coming or going most days. I would give almost anything to hold you, see you, feel you. Sunday you will be 5months, i know you would've been starting to do such amazing things and you loved sitting up even at 2 months so i know you would be sitting by now. Probably even holding your own bottle i am sure. Your hair might have been so long by now, it wasn't going to fall out, i just know that because i am your mommy. I don't know how i have made it 2 months with out, seemed impossible but its true regardless of what is going on and what is around us, life has to go on. Your memory will live with us forever, i promise you this. When we have more children, know that he/she will never replace and they will know their sister Gisselle they never met. Watch over your family and know that we miss you so very much. I know you must see us cry often, i know you must see us struggle moving on & i am sorry its so hard on us, we're trying to be as strong as possible, i promise. you must look at the way things have changed & wonder what i am doing & i don't have an answer for that, guide me if you must, mommy is not perfect like you were. I pray you don't feel we failed you in any way. Sometimes i wonder, maybe if we didn't make you too comfortable you'd still be here =( But, to move on i have to believe its for a reason. Say hello to grandma for me & keep her company, i know she loves you very much. I love you Gisselle & i will see u Saturday... P.S. things are tough right now but we will get you your grave marking, i promise, we haven't and will never forget about you... Mommy loves you always... Send me a smile in my dreams please...S.I.P

My Battle Moving Forward ::

So, i have been battling these feelings inside of me lately...
This craving for a baby & I can't help but wonder why exactly...
Is it because I've lost my baby girl going on 2 months Saturday?
Is it because my body knows I would have a 5month old as of Sunday coming up?
It is because deep inside I need to give this love to someone?
It is because my family just doesn't seem complete anymore?
My life has made a 360 degree change in the pass 2 months & I've messed things up big time in so many ways...
But for the most part I can't even seem to care that most of it is for the worst..
I only seem to want a baby.
Some tell me to wait its too soon..
Some tell me it may have a negative affect on me...
Some say its not the right thing to do...
Some say no
Some say yes
You know what i say
I say I don't know what the reason is,
I don't know why I want a baby so soon.
I don't know if i will.
I don't know if its the right or wrong thing to do,
But I do know if i do...
My baby would be loved by US & that's all that matters.
My baby will never need no matter how hard things got.
No one else would be helping or supporting our child so its no one's decision but ours.
No one is hurting as much as we are for our loss. (although many are hurting)
This battle is mine & mine alone & well my husband's, I would need him ;)
My cousin recently had a baby a few days ago, I couldn't go see him, I couldn't bare the thought of holding another baby, because the last baby I held was my Gisselle.
I cried at the thoughts alone BUT today I wok up & said i need to see him...
So, I did &&&&& Oh My Gosh, I fell in love, he didn't smell like my Gisselle & he didn't quite feel like her but he was Noah to me & I knew this is great, I am okay to be around babies...
I filled with love & Its not quite a healing but it is a step forward with one of my battles =)