So Much Left Unsaid

I remember when I was about 12 years old, my mother was clean from drugs, she struggled with her drug addiction so she would be in & out of being clean. Anyways, she took my sister & I to K-Mart to Shop for some clothes. When walking back I walked ahead because that was just how I was. A few days later my mother tells me “I made her feel as if I was embarrassed to walk with her”. Of course I explained to her that it wasn’t that & I just happened to walk fast & be in my own world. Til this day that memory haunts & I try my best to watch my actions because they can hurt people in ways we wouldn’t think of. 

I wish that throughout my life despite what we may have been through & despite the struggle I grew up with emotionally I would’ve paid attention to the things that mattered like the little time I did have with my mother. The pushing away I did because I couldn’t deal with her drug habits. All along I was being so selfish because what about how she felt when she wanted so bad to be clean from drugs all the time & yet it was a struggle she couldn’t shake. How selfish was I that I couldn’t stand by & watch anymore. Who cared if there were days her drugs meant more, who cared that some days we would listen to her pray for more life from God. Who cared that we watched the drugs slowly kill her. I should’ve cared enough to stay a little longer. I should’ve cared enough to stay by her side. I should’ve been there when she left this earth. I should’ve stayed a little longer. 

Now all I have are these memories of the good times & of the bad times but they’re memories only. So I have learned to be wise of my actions towards others because you never know how you are making them feel. 

Losing my daughter almost a year later taught me to cherish every conversation, every hug, to cherish everybody I know in whichever way we know each other. Losing those close to you teach you that there is no room in our hearts to hate & that there is no reason big enough to truly hate anyone. At the end of every second, there is a chance you may lose someone & it changes your life forever. Trust me when I say the hurt is unbearable a lot of times but the worst is to lose someone with so much left unsaid.