Days That Pass

Most days I can make it through the day just fine.

Most days I can pretend to be ok, pretend nothing is bothering me.

Then, there are those days when my world feels crumbled into pieces.

There are days when it’s hard to breathe

Days when my chest is heavier than normal

Days when the tears build up behind my eyes more than usual

Days when I just don’t know how I am living on most of the time

No one has answers for me

Some say God saw I needed rest

My answer is “No I didn’t, she was worth the sleepless nights”

Some say God has his reasons

I say, Please tell me those reasons so I understand them

Some say God is looking for me

I say why through her it had to be

Some say they have no words for me

I say those seem to be the best words, nothing at all

Some say it’ll get easier

I say please tell me when because I don’t believe you

Everyone says be strong

I say this is as strong as its going to get for me

I go to work, stay busy and I can just think she is at home with my husband

I come home and her car seat is sitting on my living room floor instead of the back seat of the car

I get rid of most of her things yet I still look for her

I have the urge to make her bottles; it’s as if I still feel her

I don’t fold my laundry because I hate that her clothes are missing from the pile

I look at the pictures on my wall and I wonder what she is doing

I look at babies her age and picture her

I say I had 3 children not I have 3 children and it breaks me apart inside

I long for her scent so I smell the same dirty shirt over and over again

I long for her smile, touch, hug.

I miss her every moment of every day and sometimes I feel like she’ll come back to me

But I know that is just me in denial.

I find myself so angry at parents who don’t take good care of their kids

Angry at people who take their kids for granted

Some days I am angry at God for taking her

Some days I am angry at my mom for being with her

Some days I spend all day wondering what I did wrong

Some days I sit and ask why all day

Some days I want to have another baby

Some days I don’t even want to look at babies

Most days I live in fear of losing someone else

Most days I am struggling to hold tears back

Most days I am struggling to stay strong

Most days I am wondering what I could have done differently

But every day I know there are no answers to my wonders, questions or heartaches

Every day I know there’s nothing different we could have done to change the outcome

I am only so thankful I have no regrets

Thankful I was able to have her for 3months

Thankful I gave birth to such a beautiful angel

Thankful that I am only guaranteed to see her again one day

Thankful that although I am not whole again, I am stronger than I was before

Thankful that I was & I am the mother of Gisselle Cassandra Torres