My First Moments In Losing My Daughter

           Standing at a register ringing a customer up, I will now never forget this customer, an older man buying a blackberry tablet case, wanting to price match it to our online price and so I was doing it without a fight when the phone rang. And so, my horror story begins with my job phone ringing.  The doctor then asked for me and my first thought was shit I must owe a bill, damn… Of course I didn’t think my children because when I left to work they were all in perfect health and just fine. They were in good hands, the hands of my husband who I trust with my life and those of my children.  The doctor then states “I have your daughter here and need you to come to the hospital” so I reply “wait, what? Which daughter, why?” He asked me if I had a way to get there and I ask to speak to my husband. On the phone my husband manages to say through tears that “she’s gone”. I felt my heart drop, all I know at this point I am no longer next to the register, but far back screaming “what are you talking about, is she breathing”. “Joseph, tell me your lying please, not my baby, tell me you’re lying, I don’t understand”. As I glance around I don’t remember much but being in the arms of like 4 people as they try to carry me out of the store, I could see every customer staring at me and yet I was in a daze, heart aching in disbelief, body falling low to the ground and my friend Jenn crying as she’s trying to get me to the car. I remember my other co-workers holding me up; it was a nightmare I failed to believe, a nightmare I still don’t believe.
My car ride consisted of many, many tears. I tried calling my aunt but couldn’t reach her, only reached my cousin who just wanted answers I didn’t yet have but at least for a moment I was calm while trying to tell him my many I don’t knows.  I know my sis in law called me and I don’t remember much but me saying, tell me he’s lying and her saying we’re on our way. My neighbor also called, asking what I knew and if I was at the hospital yet. I don’t remember much of that conversation either. Turns out she tried CPR on my baby girl so she knew firsthand what I had in store for me at the hospital.
          Walking through the hospital doors felt like I was dreaming, for the first time it seemed crowded to me. My brother in law walked out of a room I didn’t even know existed.  The man at the desk asked me to stay outside of the room and wait but my brother in law told me to come in and so I did.  Of course I see everyone sitting with tears in their eyes, faces red and not one word was spoken. I just remember going up to my husband and hitting him over and over in his chest until I fell into his arms. I felt like I was there forever screaming and crying.  My crying went on and off for I don’t know how long. It was like a chain reaction, as if everyone in the room felt the pain in me because when I cried they cried. At the time I barely knew anyone else was there because I was in my own world waiting. The whole time not understand, screaming why me, cursing my Lord out, confused, lost, helpless and hurt like no other hurt in this world. I lost my mother just 11 months ago, Feb 20, 2011 and so I thought I knew what hurt was because I cry all the time missing her, but trust me when I say there is no hurt worse than losing your own child.
        Next I remember more crying and screaming, the people there telling me I couldn’t see my daughter until the detectives came so I tried remaining calm until then. But while sitting there, trying to understand what was happening; seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours. It was by far one of the longest moments of my life. Next thing I knew I am opening a door screaming “what the fuck am I waiting for, I don’t understand”. People rush to my side to keep me from disturbing others in the hospital I guess. Next thing I know detectives are in our faces saying they need to speak to us. I screamed I wasn’t there and waited to see my baby, so they let me see her while my husband spoke to the detective. Walking to the room was torture; it was the longest walk of my life, the lady was afraid to let me go because she thought I was going to hit the floor.  So I see a room with white curtains, cops standing around it and nurses by the computer. I walk in and see my baby Gisselle laying there, looking so peaceful, she has white tape on her face from when they tried putting the tubes in to get her to breathe. Her skin color had already been faded and she seems pale, her hair was still so beautiful and I wanted to hold her so bad. I would’ve given anything for one more second with her. My last kiss was while putting her into her car seat before heading to work, I changed her diaper and shirt right before we left as well, and dressing her was my favorite besides playing with her hair. I loved her hair so much because her sister was a bald baby and I looked forward to doing her hair every day. Well from here began a new journey, the loss of my baby girl and I will be writing a blog about it. I know you’re wondering how and I will tell in my next blog…