My Moments

Her shirt I take out of a zip lock bag.

The neck of it, oh how good it smells.

A little bit of her scent

A little bit of her throw up

A little bit of what I miss

I hold it to my chest

Close my eyes & picture her there with me

For that moment I can feel her

For that moment I have her back

For that moment I am happy

She is there with me, I smell her

You couldn't tell me any different

Because for that moment She's in my arms

My eyes open & that moment is gone

The tears race down my face

The silent screams I hear in my head

My moment is now gone

The anger sets in

I must hurry & put her shirt away

I don't want to lose the scent

I don't want to lose those moments

They're all I have, those moments

Moments when I sit with her things

& hold her in my arms

Those moments are not real 

But they're all I have

Of course I wish I had more

I wish I had her

I wish this weren't real

But all I have are my moment

All I have is my pain, hurt, & memories

& my moments...

What will happen when i lose these moments?

I don't know so I hold on tight to my moments...

This Anger Comforts Me...

The screams I hear within my head, they haunt me…

They’re my screams that day at work.

They’re my screams that day in the hospital.

They’re my screams the next day coming home without her here.

These screams, they make me so angry.

These screams, they haunt my soul.

The tears, they drown my face…

The tears, they speak the words I can’t get out my mouth.

The tears, they are always waiting, waiting to be released.

The tears, they make me so angry inside.

The heartache, it’s like no other I promise you.

The heartache burdens my chest, weighing it heavy.

The heartache, it feels as if I am dying inside.

The heartache, it’s as if someone is squeezing my heart nonstop.

The heartache, it makes it hard to breathe, hurts from the pit of my soul.

The heartache, I will never get over, & it makes me so angry.

The things people say to comfort me; most I do not want to hear.

She’s in a better place they say, my anger wants to scream, no the hell she isn’t.

She’s always with you they say, & my anger wants to scream, I don’t see her, smell her, feel her , can’t change her diaper, can’t feed her a bottle, can’t take her a bath, so please tell me where & how she is with me.

God needed an angel so he took her they say… The anger, oh this anger, it screams whyyyyyyyyy?

It screams why didn’t he just make a damn angel, why my baby girl.

This anger, it screams all the time, it screams, give her back to me, it screams it’s not fair…

This anger, it screams for what was I always such a good person if I’m being punished anyways…

This anger screams, it screams you’ve taken enough from me…

This anger burdens my heart & soul.

It clouds my judgment.

This anger is taking over me…

This God we all speak of…

This so high & mighty, I’ve prayed to over & over, for my children’s safety, for my children’s health, for the safe being of my family, this is the god that took my daughter.

Tell me why should I pray again; tell me why should I understand.

Tell me why she’s not here with me. He is God, why not tell me, and tell me now…

Yes it is understanding I seek, reason I look for & they say don’t, because we may never know & I say why not?  

What do I believe in anymore, I can’t even answer that. Yet most days I still find myself praying.

Most days I still find myself talking to this God.

This anger I cannot let go of & in a sad way it comforts me because if I am busy being angry then for those moments I am not sad, only angry…

Sad I know, it’s all too sad, this journey I am on…

So lost & hurt, not knowing anything anymore…

I simply ask why…

With no answers given, I just remain, holding on to this anger…

This anger that brings me comfort on my worst days…

A Letter 2 My Baby Girl Gisselle

 Dearest Gisselle,

           I miss you so very much, my whole world seems upside down lately. I've done things i shouldn't have done for whatever reason.. Some days i feel as if i am going insane. I miss you so much, daddy misses you so much. Your big sister Sarai is keeping us busy, i think she misses you too. Your big brother Isaiah is doing great, I'm sure he misses you. Most days we have unbearable moments, i guess having to get back to reality so soon took a toll on us, esp me i can admit. I don't know if i coming or going most days. I would give almost anything to hold you, see you, feel you. Sunday you will be 5months, i know you would've been starting to do such amazing things and you loved sitting up even at 2 months so i know you would be sitting by now. Probably even holding your own bottle i am sure. Your hair might have been so long by now, it wasn't going to fall out, i just know that because i am your mommy. I don't know how i have made it 2 months with out, seemed impossible but its true regardless of what is going on and what is around us, life has to go on. Your memory will live with us forever, i promise you this. When we have more children, know that he/she will never replace and they will know their sister Gisselle they never met. Watch over your family and know that we miss you so very much. I know you must see us cry often, i know you must see us struggle moving on & i am sorry its so hard on us, we're trying to be as strong as possible, i promise. you must look at the way things have changed & wonder what i am doing & i don't have an answer for that, guide me if you must, mommy is not perfect like you were. I pray you don't feel we failed you in any way. Sometimes i wonder, maybe if we didn't make you too comfortable you'd still be here =( But, to move on i have to believe its for a reason. Say hello to grandma for me & keep her company, i know she loves you very much. I love you Gisselle & i will see u Saturday... P.S. things are tough right now but we will get you your grave marking, i promise, we haven't and will never forget about you... Mommy loves you always... Send me a smile in my dreams please...S.I.P

My Battle Moving Forward ::

So, i have been battling these feelings inside of me lately...
This craving for a baby & I can't help but wonder why exactly...
Is it because I've lost my baby girl going on 2 months Saturday?
Is it because my body knows I would have a 5month old as of Sunday coming up?
It is because deep inside I need to give this love to someone?
It is because my family just doesn't seem complete anymore?
My life has made a 360 degree change in the pass 2 months & I've messed things up big time in so many ways...
But for the most part I can't even seem to care that most of it is for the worst..
I only seem to want a baby.
Some tell me to wait its too soon..
Some tell me it may have a negative affect on me...
Some say its not the right thing to do...
Some say no
Some say yes
You know what i say
I say I don't know what the reason is,
I don't know why I want a baby so soon.
I don't know if i will.
I don't know if its the right or wrong thing to do,
But I do know if i do...
My baby would be loved by US & that's all that matters.
My baby will never need no matter how hard things got.
No one else would be helping or supporting our child so its no one's decision but ours.
No one is hurting as much as we are for our loss. (although many are hurting)
This battle is mine & mine alone & well my husband's, I would need him ;)
My cousin recently had a baby a few days ago, I couldn't go see him, I couldn't bare the thought of holding another baby, because the last baby I held was my Gisselle.
I cried at the thoughts alone BUT today I wok up & said i need to see him...
So, I did &&&&& Oh My Gosh, I fell in love, he didn't smell like my Gisselle & he didn't quite feel like her but he was Noah to me & I knew this is great, I am okay to be around babies...
I filled with love & Its not quite a healing but it is a step forward with one of my battles =)

Days That Pass

Most days I can make it through the day just fine.

Most days I can pretend to be ok, pretend nothing is bothering me.

Then, there are those days when my world feels crumbled into pieces.

There are days when it’s hard to breathe

Days when my chest is heavier than normal

Days when the tears build up behind my eyes more than usual

Days when I just don’t know how I am living on most of the time

No one has answers for me

Some say God saw I needed rest

My answer is “No I didn’t, she was worth the sleepless nights”

Some say God has his reasons

I say, Please tell me those reasons so I understand them

Some say God is looking for me

I say why through her it had to be

Some say they have no words for me

I say those seem to be the best words, nothing at all

Some say it’ll get easier

I say please tell me when because I don’t believe you

Everyone says be strong

I say this is as strong as its going to get for me

I go to work, stay busy and I can just think she is at home with my husband

I come home and her car seat is sitting on my living room floor instead of the back seat of the car

I get rid of most of her things yet I still look for her

I have the urge to make her bottles; it’s as if I still feel her

I don’t fold my laundry because I hate that her clothes are missing from the pile

I look at the pictures on my wall and I wonder what she is doing

I look at babies her age and picture her

I say I had 3 children not I have 3 children and it breaks me apart inside

I long for her scent so I smell the same dirty shirt over and over again

I long for her smile, touch, hug.

I miss her every moment of every day and sometimes I feel like she’ll come back to me

But I know that is just me in denial.

I find myself so angry at parents who don’t take good care of their kids

Angry at people who take their kids for granted

Some days I am angry at God for taking her

Some days I am angry at my mom for being with her

Some days I spend all day wondering what I did wrong

Some days I sit and ask why all day

Some days I want to have another baby

Some days I don’t even want to look at babies

Most days I live in fear of losing someone else

Most days I am struggling to hold tears back

Most days I am struggling to stay strong

Most days I am wondering what I could have done differently

But every day I know there are no answers to my wonders, questions or heartaches

Every day I know there’s nothing different we could have done to change the outcome

I am only so thankful I have no regrets

Thankful I was able to have her for 3months

Thankful I gave birth to such a beautiful angel

Thankful that I am only guaranteed to see her again one day

Thankful that although I am not whole again, I am stronger than I was before

Thankful that I was & I am the mother of Gisselle Cassandra Torres

She Belongs Here With Me

Don’t tell me to be strong

It’s impossible, this only makes me wea

she belongs here with me

Don’t say it’ll be okay

You’re lying to my face

Don’t say you feel my pain

You have no idea what this is like

She belongs here with me

Don’t compare this to your loss

Unless you have buried your child the same

Don’t tell me how to feel

I lost a major part of me

So I will deal with my loss my way

Don’t tell me to move on

You’re just being cruel if you do

Because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me have another baby

Gisselle could never be replaced

Don’t tell me I still have other kids

I think I know this to be true

But she belongs here with my other 2

& It doesn’t mean I don’t miss my #3

Don’t tell me God gives me nothing I can’t handle

Because this pain is just too real

She belongs here with me

Don’t tell me at least I am alive

Because no parent should see her child in a coffin

When she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me I need to pray

It’s all I do, the pain is still here

& I Know Its because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s watching over me

Because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s with my mother

she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s in a better place

 She belongs in my arms here with me

Don’t tell me she’s most loved in heaven

Because no one could love her more than me

Don’t tell me God needed her

I needed her more, I still do

She belongs to me

She belongs with me

She was made for me

& she belongs here with me

Weeks & Days

36 weeks of pregnancy & back aches

36 weeks of feeling tired, sick and hungry non stop

36 weeks of hormones driving me insane

36 weeks I complained she wasn’t coming soon enough

36 weeks of pregnancy & I wouldn’t take it back at all

36 weeks of waiting to meet my special # 3

4 Weeks spent choosing the perfect name

36 weeks waiting to hold her, smell her and kiss her

12 weeks to bath her, dress her & brush her hair

12 weeks of smelling her, kissing her & caring for her

12 weeks of feedings every 3 hours

12 weeks of sleepless night

12 weeks of amazing irreplaceable love

12 weeks of teaching

48 weeks of planning her life

1 Halloween we shared

1 Thanksgiving we shared

1 Christmas we shared

& 1 New Year’s we had together

So many things I had planned beyond 12 weeks of life

I spent so much time wondering at how many months she would walk

I wondered what her favorite first food was going to be

So many dreams of her & her sister being side by side

So many hopes for what she would learn

So many wonders about her attitude

So many plans for her hair styles

So many kisses I have left for her

So many hugs I need from her

So many secrets we were to supposed to share

So many reasons why I need her here

So many reasons why this is all wrong

So many questions unanswered

36 weeks I carried my baby girl inside of me

36 weeks I waited to hold her in my arms

12 weeks I was given to show her how much I loved her

I could count her life in weeks

I could count her life in days

My daughter’s life can be counted in weeks or days

There is no greater pain than this fact

Make every day count